tell your daughter
you yell at her
out of love
you teach her to confuse
anger with kindness
which seems like a good idea
till she grows up to
trust men who hurt her
cause they look so much
I know God is real because I see Him in the small things: the way the sun rises and sets every day, the way birds know to migrate, our fingerprints, the way the leaves change colors, the way caterpillars turn into butterflies. Nature is too perfect to be created unintentionally.
Tonight’s blog post is going to be somewhat different than the things I’m used to sharing on here. It’s going to be about death and grieving. It’ll start by my talking briefly about my past experiences with death, my most recent experience with it, a little on the grieving process and inshallah end with tips on how to deal with someone going through it.
I’m ganna start by saying Bismillah. Inshallah what I share can help someone else’s experience be a little more manageable.
First off. Death,until recently, has been a foreign thing to me. I knew about it in a sense that it was going to happen but I never prepared myself for dealing with it. I didn’t realize that I was completely wrong. I think our culture today doesn’t talk about the realities of dying and the grieving process. I’ve had friends or other loved ones that had lost someone they cared about and I never knew what to say or how to act around them when the topic was to come up. I, like everyone else, was afraid of saying the wrong thing, not saying too much and usually let my emotions get the best of me. Recently I’ve realized how real death is. I’ve realized that we shall all truly perish. Without warning. Without preparation or very little. It’s a terrifying thing to think about. But it’s also the truth. And the truth isn’t always pretty.
As many already know, I recently lost my grandmother. Her death has been the first in my family that I had to deal with. It has been by far the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with. I felt so numb for the first few hours. The next couple hours I spent in complete tears and yelling. I felt like it was a lie. I didn’t allow myself to believe it. The next week or so without her, I was daydreaming about all our memories, things I regretted, things I wish I’ve have done differently. I thought about my future kids not being able to experience her presence. I thought about my future husband who wouldn’t have been able to get her blessings. I thought about the rest of my life without her. I then starting thinking about where she was. The fact that she returned to her Creator brought me relief and tears of joy. Overall,the experience was and continues to be a really emotionally draining and mentally exhausting experience. I’m not completely at that point where my mind accepted it and moved on. I sometimes still feel really alone. I feel like I’m the only person left on earth and that my struggles and fears are mine and mine alone. I felt unloved and blamed myself for a lot of things. I hope that my patience allows me to progress and see the wisdom behind this experience. Please make duaa for me and my family.
Next, I wanted to highlight the grieving process. It’s something that I had previously read up on and experiencing it is a whole different thing.
The five steps are as follows:
1.Denial and isolation
You can read up on these on many psychology sites etc.
I think it’s important for people to understand these steps and the things associated with each one. I personally feel like I’m still on the third step. I’m hoping I can somehow skip the fourth and go straight to five.
I want to conclude with a few more points and tips inshallah on how to deal with someone who is grieving. Before I do that though, I want to emphasis the reality of death. How are we preparing for that? Is it on our minds? Do we think about it as often as we think about things of the dunya? Do we discuss coping methods with loved ones to prepare for dealing with death? These are all questions to ask oneself and our communities as a whole. I pray that patience allows me and others who lost a loved one to be able to overcome. Lastly here are a few tips. I’m in no way a professional. These are just derived from my own experience and how I hoped people would have reacted.
1. Don’t be afraid to call and just check up. You don’t have to say much. “Just wanted to call and see that you’re okay. I’m here if you need anything and you’re in my thoughts and prayers.” That works perfectly I think. If you’re afraid of talking about this via phone, a text or email would be nice too. Show support. And love.
2. Be supportive and just listen. Sometimes we just want to express ourselves and let everything out. Just listen and be supportive.
3. Be patient. People have different ways of coping especially towards the second step of anger. They might project that anger on others or situations. Just be patient with them. Don’t judge. Just support. Honesty. I felt like I needed support and comfort and didn’t really find it anywhere. I’m in no way blaming anyone. I just felt like it would have made the process a little more manageable.
4. Give them time. This goes with the previous one but for some people, it takes years to get to that acceptance stage. It’s a difficult process. Just allow someone to go through it at their own pace
5. Last is most important in my opinion. Make duaa for them and their families. Ask Allah to give them patience. That’s honestly the only thing that is keeping me sane.
I hope this was somewhat beneficial. If you have anything to add or to share your experiences, please do so. Jazakumallah khair especially to those people in my life who have supported me. I love you for the sake of Allah. Asalamu Alakoum.
So at my old job, I used to tutor this woman that truly struggles and “hated” math. I worked with her all last semester through her homework assignments and exam prep. She was really motivated at times and other times she doubted her own intelligence. I pushed her and told her that we can’t quit now. Were in too deep. But anyways, she passed her math class and literally cried from joy because she had taken the class multiple times and failed until her last attempt. Seeing her tear up because of her accomplishment threw me back to reflect on my own personal life. This December, my grandmother passed away. One of her biggest lessons to me was to always give. Give your time. Your efforts. Your prayers. To people who truly need it. Fast track to right now, I chose to volunteer at my old job in order to be able to help my student with her last math class this semester. She’s graduating this May and I plan on helping her get there. The reason why I’m sharing is because I think it’s a really important and fulfilling trait to have. I hope this encourages others to give back to their communities, one way or another.
Inshallah I am able to help her and others. Inshallah my grandmother is forever blessed and is entered into Jannat Al Fardous. Inshallah I will one day join her in eternal life.
With that, Asalamu alakalium.
When a dude whose 3 inches shorter than I am calls me a “shawty”
Today was leg day and I literally struggled walking back to my car. Oh my Allah.
Something interesting happened today. I met up with a friend after my night class and was telling her how claustrophobic I felt in the classroom. She said “maybe it’s deeper than that. Usually things like that happen when you’re afraid of something more than that” I was thinking about that on my way home and she was absolutely right. I’m afraid of being vulnerable. I can’t allow something else or someone else to have that power over me. It’s developed over the years and now I can’t go in an empty elevator without holding my breathe or be in a crowded room without breathing hard and fast. It’s one of my weaknesses. I don’t know how to overcome claustrophobia.